"Generosity and Kindness often work in unison, and often go unnoticed. Imagine being treated as a convenience by the ones you love."
I find myself constantly questioning if what I was doing in life would lead to the treasures that most belief systems promise. While it is not the forefront of my intention, it is brought up whenever I have nothing better to do. The friends I have, excluding the ones I live with and around, have this habit that bothers me: I could chop my arms off for them, they'll thank me, demand I'm repaid...and then treat me like I didn't exist. I think they actually just don't want to talk to me. I invite them into my hospitality of care, rather than asking me for help. Which naturally is fine, but I can assuredly say I'm sick of being ignored until I am needed of, often pulled into a situation which - had my counsel appeared before - would be avoided. For example, one of my friends could get into a fight, and then face a bunch of court debts because of their actions...THEN they ask for my advice.
What gets me most irritated? Is that this same person makes a bunch of thank-yous to just about everyone around me, and then says it where I can read it! I consider this person to be like my blood-relative...because we've been through a lot together. I can deal without the thanks, I cannot however, deal with that everyone else got thanks and they made sure that I knew it, like I wasn't there. It /also/ bothers me when I'm in conversation with someone, and they leave without warning. Now I'm not talking about one person. I mean when one person goes quiet, nearly ten other people leave within twenty seconds of each other. It's like everyone has a secret chat where they all say 'oh shit it's this guy quick everyone hide we'll talk on our other accounts'.
To be honest, that's probably the case. They probably realize that I'm fucking crazy and are talking behind me and about me without my knowledge. Fine. Do what you want. I extended every inch of trust I had to you, and you just saw at it like everyone else, testing the limits of my patience until it's too late. Why would you do this? Why not, it's apparently super easy to take advantage of me. So go, break my heart again and again. Eventually, the pieces won't be put back together, and you'll finally realize all I've done for you...all of you.
Why am I paranoid about this? Because that's what happens with other people. If we don't like someone, and they do something on another site or in a private chat, we talk about them. We talk about how much we don't like them. What's to excuse me from this? So fine, be that way. I won't say I don't need you, because I do. I need people to survive, and I've stated this hundreds of times before. Why you decided to push the limits of how far this 'bridge of trust' can go, but I'll assure to you it's about to break.
It probably also doesn't help that my teeth are in terrible pain. Taking care of them got complicated when I left the house, and a distinct lack of maintaining them has made itself evident. I needed to have four spots drilled when I got here in August. Now it's nearly the next year, and I can bet that nearly every tooth is about ready to fall out or something. I don't have health insurance, so it's not like I can do anything about it. Worse yet is that I'm sick with what appears to be a cold, but knowing my luck, ends up being some cancerous tumor in the back of my throat or something.
The one bright side in all of this, is that there's a potential of someone fulfilling the one thing that's hurt me the most in my life: Romance. I've been betrayed, fooled, and convinced through every lie in the dating book of why 'we should be friends' by other people. I've poured my soul and very life into 22 different women and 2 different men who promised to help me out of my depression, who promised to never leave my side in times of need. What did they do? They didn't just leave, they took whatever I could give them, and then left. Each one left me wanting more as time would progress. One even got me addicted to sex as a point of relief for various stresses, and then left so I could spend the next 2 and a half years trying to find a partner who could do what no one else did before.
Assuming everything works out the way I'd like it to, everything will begin to look up once this loose end is tied up. The lack of someone to love specifically has been a chain on my ankles for nearly my entire life. No, she's not perfect, but I sure as hell love her, and based on what she has said so far, she feels the same. All she has to do is finish up a few priorities before focusing on something like that.
So here's to that...I guess. I don't know, I hate everything but her right now.
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