Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence - V

"The jealous knows not what is given to him, only what is taken away."

In a discussion following the last post, I have relieved my anger towards the situation, and have made apologies. But like the wind that blows both a fresh breeze and ashen sky, I find myself at odds yet again. As the quote above would insinuate, I have a tinge of jealousy that flows through me. It is my primary source of fury, and is the easiest to speak to. As of right now, my significant other seems to have taken a better friendship to my roommate than they have to me. To think that at one point, I was worried that they wouldn't accept them. While their friendship is a source of joy to me, I've found that it has slowly driven me to be more and more irate.

To make matters worse, another friend of mine - who I am very close to - has gotten even closer, but just far away to not accept affection. It's a dreadful torture. Part of me wishes to depart from the one who I am bound to for the other person, and allow the previous party to continue living here under a deal that was forged between them and my roommates (without my knowledge, to boot). But I know that the other friend of mine wouldn't allow me to do so.

So I'm caught in between wanting to leave my betrothed for the unwilling. Even if the second party was willing, I could not bring myself to cut away what was so carefully put together. I do care for both of them, I truly do. But it looks as though my other is happier with my roommates, while the unwilling friend wants to stretch the boundary of 'friend' as far as they can before breaking into romance. It agitates me, gives me regular headaches, and pushes me farther to madness. I've asked for advice on behalf of unrelated parties, but they have only given me verbal assurance that I know what I must do, and best wishes. I suppose I shouldn't complain, seeing how 'best wishes' is honestly the most effective one could do when looking at this from the outside.

On a related note, I woke up a few hours ago following a pleasant dream which soon transitioned to one of my father. I was back at the Renaissance Festival this past year, where I met my parents for the first time since leaving the house unannounced. I felt miserable for forgetting about my mother's birthday, but I was more upset about meeting up with them in the first place. I should have explained to him exactly why I left, consequences be damned. While my choices thus far have given birth to the same result, I could have saved years of pain and sorrow with just one explanation.

But I didn't, leaving me to realize my faults while dealing with the 'romance' crisis stated above. Furthermore, there's an ever-present issue of finance. Lubbock aside, there's still an extreme difficulty of landing my other here to stay and support themselves within this place. Even if we do manage to move out, the cost of living would still be difficult, seeing as the shoe-in job I'd thought I would have is not available. All these stresses form into a unified anger, which slowly builds. I've been taking drives out to various places in the city, usually parks and so forth, to help calm my mind. These trips are costly, but usually worth it...except now I've gotten to the point where if I didn't take some kind of drive every other day, I have the risk of releasing undeserved punishment on the catalyst.

Also, Valentine's Day is soon. The second most loathed day I could imagine. Funny how these circumstances lead up to the event. The most loathed day of all is in a matter of months. June the 2nd. I have a plan, but I'm still working out how to enact it.

Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence - IV

"Empathy is the ear of all emotion. It hears all, and tells all."

Whenever a situation happens, there's always a problem. Always. The inevitable issue of having a house full of personality flaws is the same issue that occurs when many allied nations have expanded their borders to the edge of their friendly line. From the position of the outside, it would make sense that the conflicting nations simply say 'alright, we stop here.' But no, it has to get personal. Similarly, when someone makes a mistake in the eyes of another in this house, it may as well be World War Next.

At 2:30 PM yesterday (Friday), I received a mental warning. I had the sudden urge to leave the house as soon as I woke up. So I grabbed my wallet, phone, keys, glasses, and a jacket. Izzy asked where I was going. I didn't really know, so I said 'Places'. Places I went. I stopped by the bank to drop off my check, and I stopped by a familiar park some hour or two down the road to collect my thoughts. From there, I went to visit my parents. For the first time in possibly ever, I actually felt at home for a little bit. The feeling faded after some conversations with my father, but ultimately, it worked out.

At 5:30 AM this morning (Saturday), I caught word that something happened back at the house. By a whim, I stayed at my parent's house for the night to catch up on some things that I didn't get to do earlier, thus having received the message via Facebook. To make a long story short, I made glad in my decision to be away from everyone. After a long bout of depression, I went to sleep by 8 AM. I woke up again at about 1 PM, where I spent some time with my older brother until 6 PM, and started the journey back home.

I walked in the door at 7:30, and everything seemed to be fine, previous events be damned. So my mood soon improved vastly, almost completely back to a state of normal consciousness.

Oh, if only everything were that simple.

As soon as a house guest leaves, everything erupts to fuck-all hell. Hell that really shouldn't have broken out. I think it's ridiculous. 

To outline, a grave mistake was made. There's no doubt or denial that it was a stupid decision. So far as I know, admittance of such is punishment suitable for the offender. But it seems the afflicted didn't agree, the victim of said mistake was determined to make sure that not only the action was a mistake, but to ensure that the one who did such an action was reduced to nothing. Stripped of pride, happiness, and everything that isn't apologetic cries of help.While I agree in the form of verbal retaliation, the effect desired by the victim was far beyond any line I could draw in the execution.

So lots of arguing later, we have the same two parties, who have done absolutely nothing to improve their relations despite attempts from one party in refusal to the other. Where do I stand in all this? Well.

Were I anyone else, I would have slapped the accuser across the face. Enough is enough. There's a point where the accused understands what happened. Furthering punishment beyond that point is completely uncalled for. There's really no reason for it. Especially when the only justification that is brought up for such a punishment is for personal pleasure. There's no real excuse for what happened, and frankly, such actions have lead to attributing towards a much larger problem.

To the accused, I need only state my disappointment. Enough damage has been done by the accuser, so I need not say more. Not like I would anyways. They know their wrongs, and have felt the backlash from it. It is said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, perhaps such a saying can be seen in a brighter light to the accused.

So here I am, in between 'hatred' and 'sorrow', the two worst feelings imaginable, seeping their way in me with a cruel mix of burning desire to end this, and an itch to explode to tell everyone exactly why they can only do what they do, and naught more. Had the argument not ended, I don't believe my patience would have remained as it has. The subjects listed know who they are. I should state that the Accused will find solace under my wings. The lesson was learned, the damage done, the next step lies in recovery. In time, the Accuser will see and understand this as their own lesson to be learned. If not, then the cycle will simply repeat....and I'll have no tolerance for a second mistake by either party.

Take it as you wish, be it a warning, a challenge, whatever. I have kept my peace, and I shall spread it to the willing.