Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence - V

"The jealous knows not what is given to him, only what is taken away."

In a discussion following the last post, I have relieved my anger towards the situation, and have made apologies. But like the wind that blows both a fresh breeze and ashen sky, I find myself at odds yet again. As the quote above would insinuate, I have a tinge of jealousy that flows through me. It is my primary source of fury, and is the easiest to speak to. As of right now, my significant other seems to have taken a better friendship to my roommate than they have to me. To think that at one point, I was worried that they wouldn't accept them. While their friendship is a source of joy to me, I've found that it has slowly driven me to be more and more irate.

To make matters worse, another friend of mine - who I am very close to - has gotten even closer, but just far away to not accept affection. It's a dreadful torture. Part of me wishes to depart from the one who I am bound to for the other person, and allow the previous party to continue living here under a deal that was forged between them and my roommates (without my knowledge, to boot). But I know that the other friend of mine wouldn't allow me to do so.

So I'm caught in between wanting to leave my betrothed for the unwilling. Even if the second party was willing, I could not bring myself to cut away what was so carefully put together. I do care for both of them, I truly do. But it looks as though my other is happier with my roommates, while the unwilling friend wants to stretch the boundary of 'friend' as far as they can before breaking into romance. It agitates me, gives me regular headaches, and pushes me farther to madness. I've asked for advice on behalf of unrelated parties, but they have only given me verbal assurance that I know what I must do, and best wishes. I suppose I shouldn't complain, seeing how 'best wishes' is honestly the most effective one could do when looking at this from the outside.

On a related note, I woke up a few hours ago following a pleasant dream which soon transitioned to one of my father. I was back at the Renaissance Festival this past year, where I met my parents for the first time since leaving the house unannounced. I felt miserable for forgetting about my mother's birthday, but I was more upset about meeting up with them in the first place. I should have explained to him exactly why I left, consequences be damned. While my choices thus far have given birth to the same result, I could have saved years of pain and sorrow with just one explanation.

But I didn't, leaving me to realize my faults while dealing with the 'romance' crisis stated above. Furthermore, there's an ever-present issue of finance. Lubbock aside, there's still an extreme difficulty of landing my other here to stay and support themselves within this place. Even if we do manage to move out, the cost of living would still be difficult, seeing as the shoe-in job I'd thought I would have is not available. All these stresses form into a unified anger, which slowly builds. I've been taking drives out to various places in the city, usually parks and so forth, to help calm my mind. These trips are costly, but usually worth it...except now I've gotten to the point where if I didn't take some kind of drive every other day, I have the risk of releasing undeserved punishment on the catalyst.

Also, Valentine's Day is soon. The second most loathed day I could imagine. Funny how these circumstances lead up to the event. The most loathed day of all is in a matter of months. June the 2nd. I have a plan, but I'm still working out how to enact it.

Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence - IV

"Empathy is the ear of all emotion. It hears all, and tells all."

Whenever a situation happens, there's always a problem. Always. The inevitable issue of having a house full of personality flaws is the same issue that occurs when many allied nations have expanded their borders to the edge of their friendly line. From the position of the outside, it would make sense that the conflicting nations simply say 'alright, we stop here.' But no, it has to get personal. Similarly, when someone makes a mistake in the eyes of another in this house, it may as well be World War Next.

At 2:30 PM yesterday (Friday), I received a mental warning. I had the sudden urge to leave the house as soon as I woke up. So I grabbed my wallet, phone, keys, glasses, and a jacket. Izzy asked where I was going. I didn't really know, so I said 'Places'. Places I went. I stopped by the bank to drop off my check, and I stopped by a familiar park some hour or two down the road to collect my thoughts. From there, I went to visit my parents. For the first time in possibly ever, I actually felt at home for a little bit. The feeling faded after some conversations with my father, but ultimately, it worked out.

At 5:30 AM this morning (Saturday), I caught word that something happened back at the house. By a whim, I stayed at my parent's house for the night to catch up on some things that I didn't get to do earlier, thus having received the message via Facebook. To make a long story short, I made glad in my decision to be away from everyone. After a long bout of depression, I went to sleep by 8 AM. I woke up again at about 1 PM, where I spent some time with my older brother until 6 PM, and started the journey back home.

I walked in the door at 7:30, and everything seemed to be fine, previous events be damned. So my mood soon improved vastly, almost completely back to a state of normal consciousness.

Oh, if only everything were that simple.

As soon as a house guest leaves, everything erupts to fuck-all hell. Hell that really shouldn't have broken out. I think it's ridiculous. 

To outline, a grave mistake was made. There's no doubt or denial that it was a stupid decision. So far as I know, admittance of such is punishment suitable for the offender. But it seems the afflicted didn't agree, the victim of said mistake was determined to make sure that not only the action was a mistake, but to ensure that the one who did such an action was reduced to nothing. Stripped of pride, happiness, and everything that isn't apologetic cries of help.While I agree in the form of verbal retaliation, the effect desired by the victim was far beyond any line I could draw in the execution.

So lots of arguing later, we have the same two parties, who have done absolutely nothing to improve their relations despite attempts from one party in refusal to the other. Where do I stand in all this? Well.

Were I anyone else, I would have slapped the accuser across the face. Enough is enough. There's a point where the accused understands what happened. Furthering punishment beyond that point is completely uncalled for. There's really no reason for it. Especially when the only justification that is brought up for such a punishment is for personal pleasure. There's no real excuse for what happened, and frankly, such actions have lead to attributing towards a much larger problem.

To the accused, I need only state my disappointment. Enough damage has been done by the accuser, so I need not say more. Not like I would anyways. They know their wrongs, and have felt the backlash from it. It is said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, perhaps such a saying can be seen in a brighter light to the accused.

So here I am, in between 'hatred' and 'sorrow', the two worst feelings imaginable, seeping their way in me with a cruel mix of burning desire to end this, and an itch to explode to tell everyone exactly why they can only do what they do, and naught more. Had the argument not ended, I don't believe my patience would have remained as it has. The subjects listed know who they are. I should state that the Accused will find solace under my wings. The lesson was learned, the damage done, the next step lies in recovery. In time, the Accuser will see and understand this as their own lesson to be learned. If not, then the cycle will simply repeat....and I'll have no tolerance for a second mistake by either party.

Take it as you wish, be it a warning, a challenge, whatever. I have kept my peace, and I shall spread it to the willing.

Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence - III

"Ignorance is the bastard child of hope, sorrow, and idiocy"

I've always held that those who commit themselves to the world of Psychology as an academic choice are immediate candidates for my 'let-us-cease-speaking' list. Not that they're bad people, but their idea of medicine is skewed to only what can be taught to them. In theory, the goal is to bring comfort to the mentally scarred, scared, and unsure. In practice, it ends up being Improv 101 with medical terms. I say this in the utmost respect for those who dedicate themselves to the Medical Field. Which isn't to say a whole lot, because I usually give a lot of slack to those who do choose a field in Medicine that actually matters.

So where did I come up with that Psychology doesn't count as a field which matters? Because it doesn't. A debate of wit is a friendly conversation, such is the same as a 'Therapeutic Session'. There is not a single person in the world who thinks identically to someone else. I've met someone as close as it gets, but even then, there's the other 'blockade' of interpretation. Had I an exact clone who experiences the same event at the same time, they will come to a different result than I would. No two minds work the same, and no mind works the same twice. It is a machine that evolves and adapts based on everything around it, coming to an extremely rapid set of commands as a conclusion, often ones pulled from the drawers of experience, knowledge, and impulse.

How does someone study that? You don't. Science works with constants and controls, neither of which is true when it concerns matters of the mind. There's too many variables and inconsistencies. The best you could do is generalize a gigantic assumption and get pretty close with the resulting theory. There is no Law of Psychotics, for the word 'law' would indicate that there is a definite. Let's go a little deeper.

The power of the mind is often extremely under-appreciated. It is the ultimate factor in deciding what your body and spirit conclude on before an action is taken. Period. It is the school principal in an argument at recess, and it is the fascist dictator of your body's country. There are men and women in the world who have come to a narrow balance in believing into the power of their minds, and could potentially think themselves to death. It is possible to will your heart to stop. In the same vein of thought, many observing people have concluded that it is possible to afflict yourself with a sickness, or rid yourself of it, by believing you could.

So where does Psychology fit in all of this? The practice of Psychology in a 'therapeutic' context essentially exists as such: The client goes into the office, where they are literally brainwashed into feeling better. It's pretty easy. When you tell someone they're going to see a doctor to get better, the mindset of 'getting better' is already set, so that client's mind is already on the path to become better than they were. Then by the time they sit down, the client looks upon their doctor, where their mind then realizes that the doctor will make them better, solidified as a fact. The Psychologist's job is already halfway done. Now all he needs to do is let the mind vent to get an idea of what to say next. Then when the content is spilled, he takes the negative parts of the content, and counterbalances with theories based on his own experience shed in a positive light. Over a varying span of time, the client's mind constantly improves down the path of 'better' just by considering that they are getting help.

Now that I've pointed out how much bullshit Psychology is, I'll move on to the unique assets that I've noticed some minds have. Izzy just had a talk with the rest of the family about the thoughts that she usually doesn't voice, and for some reason, it turned into an argument. I was back in the living room, talking with people, when I felt a change in the ambiance. It became colder in my end of the house, and I had a record-timed vision that lasted all of a few seconds. It was the fortune cookie that I read the other day. 'You will find what you have lost within the week.'

Not too long ago, did I enter an extreme state of depression. I'm still recovering from it. To make a long story short, there was a huge disagreement among my closest friends, and I ended up saying things I'm not particularly proud of. More on that later. Basically, I was so down in the dumps, that I nearly broke my moral code of keeping myself and others from harm. Today though, I managed to find myself in a very temporary state of normalcy. While that state persisted, I had moved back to where Izzy and the rest of the family were.

She would state things that bothered her, and everyone else responded like it was something they could help. Or they would respond with one-dimensional answers. It was frustrating to listen to. Things like, 'what can we do to make it better?' or 'you just said you were happy doing this, which is it?' Such is what inspired this post. Ignorance in the words of the unknowing. They have no experience with what she was talking about, yet approached it as though it was an issue that they /did/ have experience with, creating an air of frustration.

It baffles me why people can't just say, "I don't understand, could you please explain better?" Or even failing that, "I don't get what you're saying, and I'm not sure how to respond." It's really not hard to just tell the honest truth...but instead people are so gung-ho to force understanding upon themselves and others, that they're willing to make the matter worse. Some things simply cannot be understood by mere words. Most of our minds operate on experience, which is vastly different. Up until there's a way to mentally draw a scenario that makes sense to you so everyone else can see it from your eyes, it's impossible to fully understand where someone's coming from.

Now it's not a bad thing to say 'hey I'm here to help you', but helping can very quickly turn into "helping" with the wrong words and interpretations. When you start to feel an imbalance in the conversation you're having, then just stop it. There's no sense in upsetting yourself and everyone over a moot point. It is not something you learn, it is something you experience. For example, many of my friends don't understand just how much I think about them and their health. They don't know the unfailing love I have on their safety, and the ends it drives me to all in making sure that they're happy. I don't bother explaining it, because they won't understand. They'll say, "I'm fine, don't worry." When to me, that's code for, "I'm trying to cope with something that affects me greatly, but don't want to discuss it with you."

So please, don't be ignorant and try to understand things that cannot be comprehended. You either understand, or you don't. 

How about no?

"To deny harm done is to call redemption a lie."

Well I was speaking to the woman mentioned in the last post. What are the odds that the friendzone cage showed back up to lock me within it? Ah well. I promised I'd be whatever she wanted, and I guess she just wants a friend. Which is something I'll happily provide. Doesn't make my heart hurt any less, but I'll hopefully get over it. What bothers me currently, is that I think I did more damage than helping. After an argument among friends, I went to console her. It was going great until we got on the topic of relationships...now she acts different around me.

Ideally, it's just that she's still agitated from the end of the fight.

Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence - II

"Generosity and Kindness often work in unison, and often go unnoticed. Imagine being treated as a convenience by the ones you love."

I find myself constantly questioning if what I was doing in life would lead to the treasures that most belief systems promise. While it is not the forefront of my intention, it is brought up whenever I have nothing better to do. The friends I have, excluding the ones I live with and around, have this habit that bothers me: I could chop my arms off for them, they'll thank me, demand I'm repaid...and then treat me like I didn't exist. I think they actually just don't want to talk to me. I invite them into my hospitality of care, rather than asking me for help. Which naturally is fine, but I can assuredly say I'm sick of being ignored until I am needed of, often pulled into a situation which - had my counsel appeared before - would be avoided. For example, one of my friends could get into a fight, and then face a bunch of court debts because of their actions...THEN they ask for my advice.

What gets me most irritated? Is that this same person makes a bunch of thank-yous to just about everyone around me, and then says it where I can read it! I consider this person to be like my blood-relative...because we've been through a lot together. I can deal without the thanks, I cannot however, deal with that everyone else got thanks and they made sure that I knew it, like I wasn't there. It /also/ bothers me when I'm in conversation with someone, and they leave without warning. Now I'm not talking about one person. I mean when one person goes quiet, nearly ten other people leave within twenty seconds of each other. It's like everyone has a secret chat where they all say 'oh shit it's this guy quick everyone hide we'll talk on our other accounts'.

To be honest, that's probably the case. They probably realize that I'm fucking crazy and are talking behind me and about me without my knowledge. Fine. Do what you want. I extended every inch of trust I had to you, and you just saw at it like everyone else, testing the limits of my patience until it's too late. Why would you do this? Why not, it's apparently super easy to take advantage of me. So go, break my heart again and again. Eventually, the pieces won't be put back together, and you'll finally realize all I've done for you...all of you.

Why am I paranoid about this? Because that's what happens with other people. If we don't like someone, and they do something on another site or in a private chat, we talk about them. We talk about how much we don't like them. What's to excuse me from this? So fine, be that way. I won't say I don't need you, because I do. I need people to survive, and I've stated this hundreds of times before. Why you decided to push the limits of how far this 'bridge of trust' can go, but I'll assure to you it's about to break.

It probably also doesn't help that my teeth are in terrible pain. Taking care of them got complicated when I left the house, and a distinct lack of maintaining them has made itself evident. I needed to have four spots drilled when I got here in August. Now it's nearly the next year, and I can bet that nearly every tooth is about ready to fall out or something. I don't have health insurance, so it's not like I can do anything about it. Worse yet is that I'm sick with what appears to be a cold, but knowing my luck, ends up being some cancerous tumor in the back of my throat or something.

The one bright side in all of this, is that there's a potential of someone fulfilling the one thing that's hurt me the most in my life: Romance. I've been betrayed, fooled, and convinced through every lie in the dating book of why 'we should be friends' by other people. I've poured my soul and very life into 22 different women and 2 different men who promised to help me out of my depression, who promised to never leave my side in times of need. What did they do? They didn't just leave, they took whatever I could give them, and then left. Each one left me wanting more as time would progress. One even got me addicted to sex as a point of relief for various stresses, and then left so I could spend the next 2 and a half years trying to find a partner who could do what no one else did before.

Assuming everything works out the way I'd like it to, everything will begin to look up once this loose end is tied up. The lack of someone to love specifically has been a chain on my ankles for nearly my entire life. No, she's not perfect, but I sure as hell love her, and based on what she has said so far, she feels the same. All she has to do is finish up a few priorities before focusing on something like that.

So here's to that...I guess. I don't know, I hate everything but her right now.

Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence - I

"Conflict is the consequence of failure. Victory does not come without defeat."

Nathan and Izzy are fighting right now, as I type this. I hear noises reverberate through the thin walls of the house, as though someone punched the wall. They've been in their room for the better portion of an hour, and I don't think they realize exactly what they're doing. See, I always knew that every action had a reaction, even if you cannot see it. Like a stone into the water, the ripples of collision will come to affect many in the days to come. It is like the eavesdropper, who learns information that was hidden from them by those who speak it, unbeknownst to everyone else of this. Yet I do not need to hear sounds, or see sights to realize the consequences of what occurs behind the closed doors.

I came to this house fleeing violence. Violence of my father and his various tools of instructing me that my life would amount to shit. I came here under the wings of Nathan, Izzy, and Nat's parents to attempt life as an actual human being, and being treated like one as well. This was evident as soon as I got here, and everything started to work out perfectly...up until maybe two months ago. Nathan and Izzy got into a bit of an argument, but instead of actually arguing, they whispered something about 'not in front of him', and left to their rooms. While I appreciate the sentiment of not wanting to say mean things in my presence, it gets a bit agitating knowing that I can just imagine what is being said and be 90% correct. It is as though that their hiding away does absolutely nothing to help me, or anyone else affected. Not to mention my innate paranoia tells me that they're conspiring behind me in the guise of an argument. Maybe Nathan hinted at something I was supposed to catch on to before Izzy shut him up, and is now lecturing him on how important the timing of bringing me 'the news' is. While this probably /isn't/ true, it's a possibility.

So then comes the unavoidable talk about 'trust'. Which I actually...won't talk about. I'm confident to say that Nathan and I have been through enough together to trust one another. Or at least, that's what my better thought tells me. Odds are when he reads this he'll come up to console me of this very fact. Were I not to state that, he'd probably even put his hand on my shoulder, and oh....how terrible of a mistake that would be. Disregarding the long story of why I don't like people touching me OR lying to me, I'll digress back on topic.

Imagine how I feel right now (because that's what this blog is about, feels feels feels, and it's all about /me/. I have a sneaking suspicion that such is why I don't have more than six readers), spend most of my life fleeing violence that burns within me, only to find it feeding on the ambient hatred that flows between two souls who are supposed to love each other. So when Nathan comes out and tells me how 'accidental face kicks are the worst', I feel a tinge of anger. What the fuck is wrong with people these days when they assume everything is going to go their way? It's like one party gets all pissed that the other party didn't react the way they wanted them to, and then the second party gets all pissed when the first party is pissed about something! It makes me want to welcome them to the real world, which I assumed all of us lived in. So then they go off to 'work it out' elsewhere.

Yeah. Fuck that.

What's going to end up happening somewhere down the road of life, is that this event will occur for the third - and final - time. I swear. I didn't just spend 15 FUCKING years getting my ass beat only to come to another "home" which ends up breaking itself in my presence. It really ratifies what my father always told me. I'm just some useless pile of shit that ends up ruining everything anyways. Is that how it is? Do I just sit here, dream of the demise and otherwise end to my friends, find out that it actually happens because I showed up? What the fuck is this shit anyway? I swore an oath of preservation to myself a long time ago, so I can't take my own life, and the Divines wouldn't dare test me with death until my work of peace is done. But how, pray tell, does a man of peace deliver his message with thoughts of violence all around him?

Protip: He doesn't.

It forces me back into the corner I was in when my dad finally stopped hitting me: a void filled only with mixtures of sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, and a sliver of joy. Where does that joy come from? The joy of knowing that if I can't be happy, then those around me shouldn't be either. It spawns from the jealousy of realizing that other kids in my schools didn't grow up like I did, and unsurprisingly lead far better lives. But it is thoughts of that joy that bring me into the places I'm in. I promised my life as a servant of harmony, and have an increasingly difficult time fulfilling the duties that come with the title. So what do I get to do? Sit here and wait for a "resolution". See, here's Nathan now, trying to cheer up the 'vibes' of agitation I'm no doubt giving off by saying things that generally make me smile. And here's Izzy behind him, either pretending to not care about what happened (and doing a terrible job) or are ALL THE SUDDEN being friendly. It's like that feeling when you know something's wrong with someone, but they tell you 'Oh I feel great'. You know they're lying out of their asses, but don't feel like telling you.

Maybe they'll never read this, and never realize how much I hate that I can't do a damn thing about their fighting, which ends up making me worse off than  before. They may as well be yelling at me, because that's about how I feel right now.

Some people ask why I don't like the military, or why I'm so big on being peaceful and so forth. Because conflict fucking sucks. Let me tell you and your ignorant asses for thinking that anti-military means anti-american. Maybe you should read that statement again. I hate the military. I hate when people sign up for the military, and I /especially/ hate when people tell me to look into it. So listen the fuck up as I explain this, because I'm certainly not going to hold myself responsible for hating you when you decided to skip over this.

Conflict affects people like you wouldn't fucking imagine. You don't know how it affects people, why? Because no one thinks the same. Don't even start on the whole 'similar brainwaves' shit, I won't buy it. I won't buy any of your psychological bullshit, because it's just bullshit. You didn't grow up like I did, you didn't experience anything I did, and your brain sure as fuck didn't interpret things the same way mine did. So fuck off. Anyways, you know what the military does? It kills people. It promotes the killing of people, and it forces conflict upon the unwilling. Doesn't matter which country starts it, it's not our obligation to finish it. See how aggressive this paragraph is? It's pretty fucked up now isn't it? You're probably pretty pissed that I'm being so bitchy in this particular part of the blog, rather than staying true to a more refined, cohesive personality. Well fuck you too. It feels shitty doesn't it? That's what conflict causes, only on the worst possible scale.

And here everyone else is, completely oblivious to all of this. When they get done reading this, they'll think twice before 'arguing', and that irritates me too, because that just means they're doing the same damn thing, only quieter. Those times when Izzy gives Nathan 'a look', or Nathan says 'Izzy....'. I know damn well what that really means.

Oh look. Now they're talking about hitting each other and then having sex. What's next, they'll reveal to me just how sharp the knives are, in case I decide to stab myself? Some people.

Whatever, I'll get over it.

The Smallest Post in This Blog's History and Probable Future

I was going to write something big that happened to me a few hours ago.

Instead, I'll sum it up here:







....I have the best friends ever. Fuck everyone who says otherwise.