Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence - V

"The jealous knows not what is given to him, only what is taken away."

In a discussion following the last post, I have relieved my anger towards the situation, and have made apologies. But like the wind that blows both a fresh breeze and ashen sky, I find myself at odds yet again. As the quote above would insinuate, I have a tinge of jealousy that flows through me. It is my primary source of fury, and is the easiest to speak to. As of right now, my significant other seems to have taken a better friendship to my roommate than they have to me. To think that at one point, I was worried that they wouldn't accept them. While their friendship is a source of joy to me, I've found that it has slowly driven me to be more and more irate.

To make matters worse, another friend of mine - who I am very close to - has gotten even closer, but just far away to not accept affection. It's a dreadful torture. Part of me wishes to depart from the one who I am bound to for the other person, and allow the previous party to continue living here under a deal that was forged between them and my roommates (without my knowledge, to boot). But I know that the other friend of mine wouldn't allow me to do so.

So I'm caught in between wanting to leave my betrothed for the unwilling. Even if the second party was willing, I could not bring myself to cut away what was so carefully put together. I do care for both of them, I truly do. But it looks as though my other is happier with my roommates, while the unwilling friend wants to stretch the boundary of 'friend' as far as they can before breaking into romance. It agitates me, gives me regular headaches, and pushes me farther to madness. I've asked for advice on behalf of unrelated parties, but they have only given me verbal assurance that I know what I must do, and best wishes. I suppose I shouldn't complain, seeing how 'best wishes' is honestly the most effective one could do when looking at this from the outside.

On a related note, I woke up a few hours ago following a pleasant dream which soon transitioned to one of my father. I was back at the Renaissance Festival this past year, where I met my parents for the first time since leaving the house unannounced. I felt miserable for forgetting about my mother's birthday, but I was more upset about meeting up with them in the first place. I should have explained to him exactly why I left, consequences be damned. While my choices thus far have given birth to the same result, I could have saved years of pain and sorrow with just one explanation.

But I didn't, leaving me to realize my faults while dealing with the 'romance' crisis stated above. Furthermore, there's an ever-present issue of finance. Lubbock aside, there's still an extreme difficulty of landing my other here to stay and support themselves within this place. Even if we do manage to move out, the cost of living would still be difficult, seeing as the shoe-in job I'd thought I would have is not available. All these stresses form into a unified anger, which slowly builds. I've been taking drives out to various places in the city, usually parks and so forth, to help calm my mind. These trips are costly, but usually worth it...except now I've gotten to the point where if I didn't take some kind of drive every other day, I have the risk of releasing undeserved punishment on the catalyst.

Also, Valentine's Day is soon. The second most loathed day I could imagine. Funny how these circumstances lead up to the event. The most loathed day of all is in a matter of months. June the 2nd. I have a plan, but I'm still working out how to enact it.

Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence - IV

"Empathy is the ear of all emotion. It hears all, and tells all."

Whenever a situation happens, there's always a problem. Always. The inevitable issue of having a house full of personality flaws is the same issue that occurs when many allied nations have expanded their borders to the edge of their friendly line. From the position of the outside, it would make sense that the conflicting nations simply say 'alright, we stop here.' But no, it has to get personal. Similarly, when someone makes a mistake in the eyes of another in this house, it may as well be World War Next.

At 2:30 PM yesterday (Friday), I received a mental warning. I had the sudden urge to leave the house as soon as I woke up. So I grabbed my wallet, phone, keys, glasses, and a jacket. Izzy asked where I was going. I didn't really know, so I said 'Places'. Places I went. I stopped by the bank to drop off my check, and I stopped by a familiar park some hour or two down the road to collect my thoughts. From there, I went to visit my parents. For the first time in possibly ever, I actually felt at home for a little bit. The feeling faded after some conversations with my father, but ultimately, it worked out.

At 5:30 AM this morning (Saturday), I caught word that something happened back at the house. By a whim, I stayed at my parent's house for the night to catch up on some things that I didn't get to do earlier, thus having received the message via Facebook. To make a long story short, I made glad in my decision to be away from everyone. After a long bout of depression, I went to sleep by 8 AM. I woke up again at about 1 PM, where I spent some time with my older brother until 6 PM, and started the journey back home.

I walked in the door at 7:30, and everything seemed to be fine, previous events be damned. So my mood soon improved vastly, almost completely back to a state of normal consciousness.

Oh, if only everything were that simple.

As soon as a house guest leaves, everything erupts to fuck-all hell. Hell that really shouldn't have broken out. I think it's ridiculous. 

To outline, a grave mistake was made. There's no doubt or denial that it was a stupid decision. So far as I know, admittance of such is punishment suitable for the offender. But it seems the afflicted didn't agree, the victim of said mistake was determined to make sure that not only the action was a mistake, but to ensure that the one who did such an action was reduced to nothing. Stripped of pride, happiness, and everything that isn't apologetic cries of help.While I agree in the form of verbal retaliation, the effect desired by the victim was far beyond any line I could draw in the execution.

So lots of arguing later, we have the same two parties, who have done absolutely nothing to improve their relations despite attempts from one party in refusal to the other. Where do I stand in all this? Well.

Were I anyone else, I would have slapped the accuser across the face. Enough is enough. There's a point where the accused understands what happened. Furthering punishment beyond that point is completely uncalled for. There's really no reason for it. Especially when the only justification that is brought up for such a punishment is for personal pleasure. There's no real excuse for what happened, and frankly, such actions have lead to attributing towards a much larger problem.

To the accused, I need only state my disappointment. Enough damage has been done by the accuser, so I need not say more. Not like I would anyways. They know their wrongs, and have felt the backlash from it. It is said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, perhaps such a saying can be seen in a brighter light to the accused.

So here I am, in between 'hatred' and 'sorrow', the two worst feelings imaginable, seeping their way in me with a cruel mix of burning desire to end this, and an itch to explode to tell everyone exactly why they can only do what they do, and naught more. Had the argument not ended, I don't believe my patience would have remained as it has. The subjects listed know who they are. I should state that the Accused will find solace under my wings. The lesson was learned, the damage done, the next step lies in recovery. In time, the Accuser will see and understand this as their own lesson to be learned. If not, then the cycle will simply repeat....and I'll have no tolerance for a second mistake by either party.

Take it as you wish, be it a warning, a challenge, whatever. I have kept my peace, and I shall spread it to the willing.

Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence - III

"Ignorance is the bastard child of hope, sorrow, and idiocy"

I've always held that those who commit themselves to the world of Psychology as an academic choice are immediate candidates for my 'let-us-cease-speaking' list. Not that they're bad people, but their idea of medicine is skewed to only what can be taught to them. In theory, the goal is to bring comfort to the mentally scarred, scared, and unsure. In practice, it ends up being Improv 101 with medical terms. I say this in the utmost respect for those who dedicate themselves to the Medical Field. Which isn't to say a whole lot, because I usually give a lot of slack to those who do choose a field in Medicine that actually matters.

So where did I come up with that Psychology doesn't count as a field which matters? Because it doesn't. A debate of wit is a friendly conversation, such is the same as a 'Therapeutic Session'. There is not a single person in the world who thinks identically to someone else. I've met someone as close as it gets, but even then, there's the other 'blockade' of interpretation. Had I an exact clone who experiences the same event at the same time, they will come to a different result than I would. No two minds work the same, and no mind works the same twice. It is a machine that evolves and adapts based on everything around it, coming to an extremely rapid set of commands as a conclusion, often ones pulled from the drawers of experience, knowledge, and impulse.

How does someone study that? You don't. Science works with constants and controls, neither of which is true when it concerns matters of the mind. There's too many variables and inconsistencies. The best you could do is generalize a gigantic assumption and get pretty close with the resulting theory. There is no Law of Psychotics, for the word 'law' would indicate that there is a definite. Let's go a little deeper.

The power of the mind is often extremely under-appreciated. It is the ultimate factor in deciding what your body and spirit conclude on before an action is taken. Period. It is the school principal in an argument at recess, and it is the fascist dictator of your body's country. There are men and women in the world who have come to a narrow balance in believing into the power of their minds, and could potentially think themselves to death. It is possible to will your heart to stop. In the same vein of thought, many observing people have concluded that it is possible to afflict yourself with a sickness, or rid yourself of it, by believing you could.

So where does Psychology fit in all of this? The practice of Psychology in a 'therapeutic' context essentially exists as such: The client goes into the office, where they are literally brainwashed into feeling better. It's pretty easy. When you tell someone they're going to see a doctor to get better, the mindset of 'getting better' is already set, so that client's mind is already on the path to become better than they were. Then by the time they sit down, the client looks upon their doctor, where their mind then realizes that the doctor will make them better, solidified as a fact. The Psychologist's job is already halfway done. Now all he needs to do is let the mind vent to get an idea of what to say next. Then when the content is spilled, he takes the negative parts of the content, and counterbalances with theories based on his own experience shed in a positive light. Over a varying span of time, the client's mind constantly improves down the path of 'better' just by considering that they are getting help.

Now that I've pointed out how much bullshit Psychology is, I'll move on to the unique assets that I've noticed some minds have. Izzy just had a talk with the rest of the family about the thoughts that she usually doesn't voice, and for some reason, it turned into an argument. I was back in the living room, talking with people, when I felt a change in the ambiance. It became colder in my end of the house, and I had a record-timed vision that lasted all of a few seconds. It was the fortune cookie that I read the other day. 'You will find what you have lost within the week.'

Not too long ago, did I enter an extreme state of depression. I'm still recovering from it. To make a long story short, there was a huge disagreement among my closest friends, and I ended up saying things I'm not particularly proud of. More on that later. Basically, I was so down in the dumps, that I nearly broke my moral code of keeping myself and others from harm. Today though, I managed to find myself in a very temporary state of normalcy. While that state persisted, I had moved back to where Izzy and the rest of the family were.

She would state things that bothered her, and everyone else responded like it was something they could help. Or they would respond with one-dimensional answers. It was frustrating to listen to. Things like, 'what can we do to make it better?' or 'you just said you were happy doing this, which is it?' Such is what inspired this post. Ignorance in the words of the unknowing. They have no experience with what she was talking about, yet approached it as though it was an issue that they /did/ have experience with, creating an air of frustration.

It baffles me why people can't just say, "I don't understand, could you please explain better?" Or even failing that, "I don't get what you're saying, and I'm not sure how to respond." It's really not hard to just tell the honest truth...but instead people are so gung-ho to force understanding upon themselves and others, that they're willing to make the matter worse. Some things simply cannot be understood by mere words. Most of our minds operate on experience, which is vastly different. Up until there's a way to mentally draw a scenario that makes sense to you so everyone else can see it from your eyes, it's impossible to fully understand where someone's coming from.

Now it's not a bad thing to say 'hey I'm here to help you', but helping can very quickly turn into "helping" with the wrong words and interpretations. When you start to feel an imbalance in the conversation you're having, then just stop it. There's no sense in upsetting yourself and everyone over a moot point. It is not something you learn, it is something you experience. For example, many of my friends don't understand just how much I think about them and their health. They don't know the unfailing love I have on their safety, and the ends it drives me to all in making sure that they're happy. I don't bother explaining it, because they won't understand. They'll say, "I'm fine, don't worry." When to me, that's code for, "I'm trying to cope with something that affects me greatly, but don't want to discuss it with you."

So please, don't be ignorant and try to understand things that cannot be comprehended. You either understand, or you don't.