How about no?

"To deny harm done is to call redemption a lie."

Well I was speaking to the woman mentioned in the last post. What are the odds that the friendzone cage showed back up to lock me within it? Ah well. I promised I'd be whatever she wanted, and I guess she just wants a friend. Which is something I'll happily provide. Doesn't make my heart hurt any less, but I'll hopefully get over it. What bothers me currently, is that I think I did more damage than helping. After an argument among friends, I went to console her. It was going great until we got on the topic of relationships...now she acts different around me.

Ideally, it's just that she's still agitated from the end of the fight.

Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence - II

"Generosity and Kindness often work in unison, and often go unnoticed. Imagine being treated as a convenience by the ones you love."

I find myself constantly questioning if what I was doing in life would lead to the treasures that most belief systems promise. While it is not the forefront of my intention, it is brought up whenever I have nothing better to do. The friends I have, excluding the ones I live with and around, have this habit that bothers me: I could chop my arms off for them, they'll thank me, demand I'm repaid...and then treat me like I didn't exist. I think they actually just don't want to talk to me. I invite them into my hospitality of care, rather than asking me for help. Which naturally is fine, but I can assuredly say I'm sick of being ignored until I am needed of, often pulled into a situation which - had my counsel appeared before - would be avoided. For example, one of my friends could get into a fight, and then face a bunch of court debts because of their actions...THEN they ask for my advice.

What gets me most irritated? Is that this same person makes a bunch of thank-yous to just about everyone around me, and then says it where I can read it! I consider this person to be like my blood-relative...because we've been through a lot together. I can deal without the thanks, I cannot however, deal with that everyone else got thanks and they made sure that I knew it, like I wasn't there. It /also/ bothers me when I'm in conversation with someone, and they leave without warning. Now I'm not talking about one person. I mean when one person goes quiet, nearly ten other people leave within twenty seconds of each other. It's like everyone has a secret chat where they all say 'oh shit it's this guy quick everyone hide we'll talk on our other accounts'.

To be honest, that's probably the case. They probably realize that I'm fucking crazy and are talking behind me and about me without my knowledge. Fine. Do what you want. I extended every inch of trust I had to you, and you just saw at it like everyone else, testing the limits of my patience until it's too late. Why would you do this? Why not, it's apparently super easy to take advantage of me. So go, break my heart again and again. Eventually, the pieces won't be put back together, and you'll finally realize all I've done for you...all of you.

Why am I paranoid about this? Because that's what happens with other people. If we don't like someone, and they do something on another site or in a private chat, we talk about them. We talk about how much we don't like them. What's to excuse me from this? So fine, be that way. I won't say I don't need you, because I do. I need people to survive, and I've stated this hundreds of times before. Why you decided to push the limits of how far this 'bridge of trust' can go, but I'll assure to you it's about to break.

It probably also doesn't help that my teeth are in terrible pain. Taking care of them got complicated when I left the house, and a distinct lack of maintaining them has made itself evident. I needed to have four spots drilled when I got here in August. Now it's nearly the next year, and I can bet that nearly every tooth is about ready to fall out or something. I don't have health insurance, so it's not like I can do anything about it. Worse yet is that I'm sick with what appears to be a cold, but knowing my luck, ends up being some cancerous tumor in the back of my throat or something.

The one bright side in all of this, is that there's a potential of someone fulfilling the one thing that's hurt me the most in my life: Romance. I've been betrayed, fooled, and convinced through every lie in the dating book of why 'we should be friends' by other people. I've poured my soul and very life into 22 different women and 2 different men who promised to help me out of my depression, who promised to never leave my side in times of need. What did they do? They didn't just leave, they took whatever I could give them, and then left. Each one left me wanting more as time would progress. One even got me addicted to sex as a point of relief for various stresses, and then left so I could spend the next 2 and a half years trying to find a partner who could do what no one else did before.

Assuming everything works out the way I'd like it to, everything will begin to look up once this loose end is tied up. The lack of someone to love specifically has been a chain on my ankles for nearly my entire life. No, she's not perfect, but I sure as hell love her, and based on what she has said so far, she feels the same. All she has to do is finish up a few priorities before focusing on something like that.

So here's to that...I guess. I don't know, I hate everything but her right now.

Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence - I

"Conflict is the consequence of failure. Victory does not come without defeat."

Nathan and Izzy are fighting right now, as I type this. I hear noises reverberate through the thin walls of the house, as though someone punched the wall. They've been in their room for the better portion of an hour, and I don't think they realize exactly what they're doing. See, I always knew that every action had a reaction, even if you cannot see it. Like a stone into the water, the ripples of collision will come to affect many in the days to come. It is like the eavesdropper, who learns information that was hidden from them by those who speak it, unbeknownst to everyone else of this. Yet I do not need to hear sounds, or see sights to realize the consequences of what occurs behind the closed doors.

I came to this house fleeing violence. Violence of my father and his various tools of instructing me that my life would amount to shit. I came here under the wings of Nathan, Izzy, and Nat's parents to attempt life as an actual human being, and being treated like one as well. This was evident as soon as I got here, and everything started to work out perfectly...up until maybe two months ago. Nathan and Izzy got into a bit of an argument, but instead of actually arguing, they whispered something about 'not in front of him', and left to their rooms. While I appreciate the sentiment of not wanting to say mean things in my presence, it gets a bit agitating knowing that I can just imagine what is being said and be 90% correct. It is as though that their hiding away does absolutely nothing to help me, or anyone else affected. Not to mention my innate paranoia tells me that they're conspiring behind me in the guise of an argument. Maybe Nathan hinted at something I was supposed to catch on to before Izzy shut him up, and is now lecturing him on how important the timing of bringing me 'the news' is. While this probably /isn't/ true, it's a possibility.

So then comes the unavoidable talk about 'trust'. Which I actually...won't talk about. I'm confident to say that Nathan and I have been through enough together to trust one another. Or at least, that's what my better thought tells me. Odds are when he reads this he'll come up to console me of this very fact. Were I not to state that, he'd probably even put his hand on my shoulder, and oh....how terrible of a mistake that would be. Disregarding the long story of why I don't like people touching me OR lying to me, I'll digress back on topic.

Imagine how I feel right now (because that's what this blog is about, feels feels feels, and it's all about /me/. I have a sneaking suspicion that such is why I don't have more than six readers), spend most of my life fleeing violence that burns within me, only to find it feeding on the ambient hatred that flows between two souls who are supposed to love each other. So when Nathan comes out and tells me how 'accidental face kicks are the worst', I feel a tinge of anger. What the fuck is wrong with people these days when they assume everything is going to go their way? It's like one party gets all pissed that the other party didn't react the way they wanted them to, and then the second party gets all pissed when the first party is pissed about something! It makes me want to welcome them to the real world, which I assumed all of us lived in. So then they go off to 'work it out' elsewhere.

Yeah. Fuck that.

What's going to end up happening somewhere down the road of life, is that this event will occur for the third - and final - time. I swear. I didn't just spend 15 FUCKING years getting my ass beat only to come to another "home" which ends up breaking itself in my presence. It really ratifies what my father always told me. I'm just some useless pile of shit that ends up ruining everything anyways. Is that how it is? Do I just sit here, dream of the demise and otherwise end to my friends, find out that it actually happens because I showed up? What the fuck is this shit anyway? I swore an oath of preservation to myself a long time ago, so I can't take my own life, and the Divines wouldn't dare test me with death until my work of peace is done. But how, pray tell, does a man of peace deliver his message with thoughts of violence all around him?

Protip: He doesn't.

It forces me back into the corner I was in when my dad finally stopped hitting me: a void filled only with mixtures of sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, and a sliver of joy. Where does that joy come from? The joy of knowing that if I can't be happy, then those around me shouldn't be either. It spawns from the jealousy of realizing that other kids in my schools didn't grow up like I did, and unsurprisingly lead far better lives. But it is thoughts of that joy that bring me into the places I'm in. I promised my life as a servant of harmony, and have an increasingly difficult time fulfilling the duties that come with the title. So what do I get to do? Sit here and wait for a "resolution". See, here's Nathan now, trying to cheer up the 'vibes' of agitation I'm no doubt giving off by saying things that generally make me smile. And here's Izzy behind him, either pretending to not care about what happened (and doing a terrible job) or are ALL THE SUDDEN being friendly. It's like that feeling when you know something's wrong with someone, but they tell you 'Oh I feel great'. You know they're lying out of their asses, but don't feel like telling you.

Maybe they'll never read this, and never realize how much I hate that I can't do a damn thing about their fighting, which ends up making me worse off than  before. They may as well be yelling at me, because that's about how I feel right now.

Some people ask why I don't like the military, or why I'm so big on being peaceful and so forth. Because conflict fucking sucks. Let me tell you and your ignorant asses for thinking that anti-military means anti-american. Maybe you should read that statement again. I hate the military. I hate when people sign up for the military, and I /especially/ hate when people tell me to look into it. So listen the fuck up as I explain this, because I'm certainly not going to hold myself responsible for hating you when you decided to skip over this.

Conflict affects people like you wouldn't fucking imagine. You don't know how it affects people, why? Because no one thinks the same. Don't even start on the whole 'similar brainwaves' shit, I won't buy it. I won't buy any of your psychological bullshit, because it's just bullshit. You didn't grow up like I did, you didn't experience anything I did, and your brain sure as fuck didn't interpret things the same way mine did. So fuck off. Anyways, you know what the military does? It kills people. It promotes the killing of people, and it forces conflict upon the unwilling. Doesn't matter which country starts it, it's not our obligation to finish it. See how aggressive this paragraph is? It's pretty fucked up now isn't it? You're probably pretty pissed that I'm being so bitchy in this particular part of the blog, rather than staying true to a more refined, cohesive personality. Well fuck you too. It feels shitty doesn't it? That's what conflict causes, only on the worst possible scale.

And here everyone else is, completely oblivious to all of this. When they get done reading this, they'll think twice before 'arguing', and that irritates me too, because that just means they're doing the same damn thing, only quieter. Those times when Izzy gives Nathan 'a look', or Nathan says 'Izzy....'. I know damn well what that really means.

Oh look. Now they're talking about hitting each other and then having sex. What's next, they'll reveal to me just how sharp the knives are, in case I decide to stab myself? Some people.

Whatever, I'll get over it.

The Smallest Post in This Blog's History and Probable Future

I was going to write something big that happened to me a few hours ago.

Instead, I'll sum it up here:







....I have the best friends ever. Fuck everyone who says otherwise.

Trinity

"The face is merely an extension of a name, but is not limited to just one."

A trinity is, by and large, a title for that which comes in threes. It is used by many, but serves a primarily function in religious teachings, specifically for the Christians. They believe that there is the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The Godhead, who made himself manifest through his son, therefore completing this heavenly trio in a single act. It is also used by musicians and composers, when a piece is written for just three instruments, or perhaps it only has three movements, though the latter isn't nearly as common.

So what, pray tell, have I decided to use such a title for? I was reminded of something recently, and I figured I would share it. When I started contemplating the meaning of existence, I had parsed myself into three distinct personalities: Mind, Body, and Spirit. They combine to make subfacets like Charisma, Determination, and so forth, but I'll just focus on the big three for now.

Mind is the logic behind my ways. It knows what I can and cannot do, and it knows within what boundaries I may operate. It is the cold fact that keeps a sharp eye on reality and informs of how far I can bend it to my design. Mind only knows what it is given, and makes its judgments based off of what it knows. Like most, it is prone to stresses. Once a certain threshold has been exceeded, it deems itself no longer fit to make judgments, handing off the task to the next most prevalent facet of the trinity. Mind holds in all of my memories and thoughts. Mind is what dominates my ability to analyze or register things. It can look at life threatening situations, and ignore it.

Body is the basic, carnal desire that burns in my chest. It knows what it wants, and it knows why it wants it. The only motivation it needs is that want. While it does not always apply to physical interactions, that is where it can be found the most. It cares not for others, nor for the consequences of the future. It simply wants the satisfaction of now, and being pleased at that moment. It is also the primary storing of all the anger I collect over the lifetimes. The bitterness of Mind and the broken Spirit dump their sorrows here, where it expunges through various activities. Body cannot be broken, it can only hunger. When threatened, it hungers for survival in any way possible.

Spirit is just that, my spirit. It is the fulfillment and acknowledgement of 'me'. It is my artistic side, and my emotional storehouse alongside the basis of my Faith, which I'll get into in a moment. Spirit is the empathy from one creature to another, it is the part of me that can  feel the pain it is reminded of, and is in essence, the 'soft underbelly' of my personality types. It is easily broken, and easily forged. It can be solidified to override anything else that comes up. It is my will to exist. Spirit believes that Death may come and visit, but will never accept me until it is my time.

Throughout the day, these three show themselves in varying amounts, but one or two are always more dominant than the others. In order, the average priority is Spirit, Mind, then Body. But when Body hungers, it will convince Mind that it needs something, and Mind will acquire it while Spirit is pushed back. Think of Body and Spirit as the relative 'devil and angel on the shoulder' idea, with Mind being the means to their ends. Mind does not want nor feel, it only knows.

How or when do they change? Generally when an event triggers one off more than the other. If someone comes to me in an emotional mess, crying their eyes out and begging for help, Spirit automatically overrides everything else to come and aid such a person. If a woman exploits herself in certain ways, then Body will know what it wants, and get it. Sometimes they're affected relatively equally. Thoughts of my Father will inevitably force Mind to bring up the memories of what was done. Body will become furious and want revenge, while Spirit will simply seek a way to move on. In such an 'argument', there will be a compromise, which generally ends up being some kind of distraction to focus on, be it music, video games, or other such activities.

Recently, Body has been forced to concede much of its desire due to physical issues with my actual body. I've had heart problems for as long as I can remember, and my back isn't so good either. Thusly, physical activities that stimulate the body can only be done in a very strict moderation. In return, the few things that it does ask for take more of a priority than it used to. Similarly, Spirit is often overcome with emotional wrought, changing my entire mood on a whim like the wind. You could mention how great of a day was for you, and my mood will drop considerably in the innate wish that my day had gone as well. Mind is in turn affected most by this. Between Body's burn and Spirit's wish, it makes decisions on who wants what the most.

Not a terribly long post tonight because not a whole lot happened. Saw my roommate and his wife wake up (realizing that I hadn't actually slept the night before), did largely nothing for a few hours, went to work, had a crappy day, got home, played League for one match, talked to an old friend, had inspiration to write post. No q & a because no one asked any questions, or had anything interesting to say. Pretty sure the only people who read these are my two roommates. Oh well.

Nine Worlds of Lore

"He who seeks to be understood, shall never be he who understands."

This is the first of hopefully many posts to be posted here. This format will be consistent through all posts. This one in particular will be special, given that this is the first, and introduction to what you - the reader - should expect from my writings here. Each post will have it's own title. Hopefully this can be utilized for the purposes of organization and revisiting. If not, then Archives shall be archives with organization anyways.

Second Sight - Ordainment of the Gifted Mind is a title that I feel best describes the blog's content without giving away too much. As you may have imagined, these writings will be things that I have seen, but are not real. Not just dreams, but visions too. Yes, visions. I consider visions to be dreams that happen upon me while I'm conscious. I interact with them just like anyone reacts with dreams, only I'm fully aware. An example would be as follows:

Today I heard my father speaking to me. He reminded me of the scar across my face, why I got it, and how it has helped me to become a better man. I touched it, feeling the still-purple circle on the pronounced portion of my left cheekbone. I remember how I got it. I told him that I could not accomplish what he had asked of me, and received the Skull Ring - the silver ring that was part of a Knuckle-Duster set to be disguised as rings. They were designed to deal lasting damage, but not break skin or bone. It had worked as intended. My grazing fingers were soon reminded of the intention as the sharp pain of the bruise surged through me. I heard his voice some more, telling me that if I cannot do what is asked of me, then I may as well be dead.

Following that would be a short explanation of what happened after the vision's ending, and how it has affected me today (or in previous days, pending on context).

The Writer

As stated over to the right, my name is Artemus. I am a 20 year old Caucasian male with a mix of German, English, Swedish, and Norwegian descent behind me. I have grown up in the shadow of my Father who, in conjunction with many other events in my life, have effectively cursed me to forever remember what has happened in the past to reconvene in my head as dreams or visions. Be it the consequences of a choice I made for another, or the consequence of a choice I made for myself.

It was beaten (very literally so) into me that failure is the destiny of a soul like mine. Every day for the last 15 years or so, I have heard my Father's voice remind me of why my existence shouldn't be, or why I cannot be anything worth amounting to. It has gotten to the point that every mistake I make is 'rewarded' with his voice telling me this some more. It can be inferred that this is the primary source behind my frustrations. I no longer live with my family, instead rooming with my best friend and his family. His wife hosts the blog Morning Tea at Midnight. I suggest you go read that too.

The decision to move was not an easy one, but born of the inevitable fear that my situation would only become worse by staying in the environment that put me in this situation to begin with. My Father and I had an argument while I was cleaning the house, it became physical. Unlike the other times, I could not feel the force of his fists, nor the bending of my flesh and bone against his boots. All I could think was how an otherwise unfortunate event was normal. It was then that I decided to leave. I have always had the earlier stated dreams and visions since contemplating the true meaning of my existence, but they have only come in a vastly increased frequency since moving into this house.

FAQ

Because I am running out of things to say, I shall end with some frequently asked questions, and answers to those questions.

• Have you considered mental therapy/seeing a psychiatrist? I had an experience li--
• Stop there. The last time I went to 'treatment', the man told me that he understood what I was going through, when I know for a fact that he didn't. I don't appreciate being lied to. The result was a broken nose upon his face, and a very angry Artemus. Since that day, I've vowed to be non-violent.
• Have you considered writing as a profession? You're quite well spoken.
• I have, but have instead chosen Music to be my artistic outlet of choice. Words to me are like a mirror, telling the story as it is. Music adds a secondary, audible inflection on the events.
• It sounds like these visions are more of a curse, why call it a gift?
• For the most part, every vision is something that is liable to happen. History has a habit of repeating itself, so when I get a vision of the past, I am told of the mistake that was made in that scenario (regardless if it actually happened to me), and can use that knowledge in my interactions for the day.
• Where is your music located? I looked your name up on Youtube, but only came up with a few things.
• I prefer to use Soundcloud, my page is here.
• You said before that you don't want professional help on the state of your mind, but what about comments/insights on what you've written?
• Comments and insights are fine until it looks to me that you're trying to 'help' me. If anything, you're not helping, you're only making me frustrated by trying to 'guide me to a better path'. Instead, post your thoughts of what I've written. Polite behavior will be responded in kind.
• I've read some previous examples of your writing, and have noticed that you use song titles as titles of your own. Is that intentional?
• Yes. But keep in mind that the title is used for just a title. Nine Worlds of Lore is a song about combat, but I use it to perpetuate the idea of the various 'realms of existence' that I like to believe these visions are blessed upon me from.
• Where do you come up with those quotes? Are they from somewhere?
• In the words of one of Ramona's Evil Exes from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: "My brain!" They are byproducts of my musings and mood.
• Hey! I was a part of [event] and that's not at all how it happened!
• This isn't a question, but yes, some experiences here have been shared with others. If you do happen to recognize such, then realize that this is from my perspective, which is 'unique' by most standards.
• Also. Since most of the experiences written here will be negative, don't assume that I hate you. You aren't my Father, I don't hate you. I may have hated you during that particular event, but as it stands (while I write this), I do not traditionally 'hate' people.
• Why don't you just put these musings of yours on Bookface or something?
• Because here, every one of you have been warned that opinions run rampant, and that I'm not responsible for whatever feelings you have while reading what I write. There, Bookface in particular, people are for some reason obligated to say rude things because they disagree with me.
• None of these things was what I was going to ask. >:I
• Then ask away! As I said earlier, polite behavior is responded to in kind. Feel free to ask me anything. If you wish to keep it anonymous, then you can send a private message (or email me if that's not possible, I don't quite understand how Blogger.com works yet.) At the conclusion of every post, I'll put your questions and responses as able.
• Did anyone actually ask you any of these?
• No, but I imagine through my awesome premonition that these are questions that would be commonly ask. Consider this FAQ as more of a 'ruleset for how to read an opinionated crazy person on the internet.'